


Spirit, Opportunity, and Curiosity

by Paula_fp



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Engineeerer!Shane, M/M, NASA, Shane worked for NASA before he worked for BuzzFeed Unsolved, Unrequited Love, backgroundEngineerer!Shane, sad!Shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21942010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paula_fp/pseuds/Paula_fp
Summary: Shane describes his love journey.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Shyan - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Spirit, Opportunity, and Curiosity

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspired by that time Ryan said Shane could work at NASA if he really wanted to. In this fic, Shane used to work for NASA before he began working for BuzzFeed in 2014. He notices some similarities between the journey to mars exploration and his personal life. He used to work on the mechanical part of the Mars Rovers.

_**Spirit - June 2003: captures the first colored image of Mars** _

Like the first colored photo ever taken of and on martian soil by Spirit, you were the first snippet of color in my life. 

Gorgeous, soft, calming. Those were my first thoughts when I first saw you. It was a new era for me, a new era in my life. At the time I did not know how much you would change me. All I knew was that I needed to be close to you. Your luminosity, your beautiful smile, your body, everything about you was wonderful. 

As we came closer and closer, I found myself trying to stay closer to you. Trying to pull you in, but I have defects and I found my cowardice betraying me. 

When you asked me to co-host in your show, it was a dream come true. Now I had an excuse to ask you out to lunch or to spend more time with you. And though we disagreed on so many things, we fit together perfectly, opposites attract each other. At least, that’s what I thought of us. 

_**Opportunity - June 2003:a beautifully documented journey** _

As our friendship blossomed, I wanted to hold you in my arms, hug you whenever I pleased. But those are not things a friend does. A friend does not wish to kiss you or hold you close when you sleep. A friend does not think about what your naked body would feel like under my fingertips. A friend does not think about slowly and lovingly making love to you at dusk. A friend does not think about such things. 

I tried to ignore my thoughts for a long time. I tried to block out my feelings for you. But your laugh and your smile always bought me back to where I began. 

The closer we got, the harder it became. 

Every time we slept together at locations, I wanted to hug you tight, pull you closer, whisper in your ear everything was gonna be alright. 

But I couldn’t. Instead, I was left to wonder what that would feel like. 

As our show got bigger, I found people who believed in us. That we could be something more than just friends. They would point out your flirty behavior, the way you always look at me, the way you trust me. How we argue like an old married couple. 

The knowledge that other people thought we could be something more provided relief to me. Maybe they were right, maybe you were sending me signals all this time, and I had just been too much of an idiot to notice. 

Once I asked Sara what she thought of us. She said it was obvious, I was head over heels for you. To my relief, she noted that she could only say that because she knew me very well. I have always been scared of unrequited love. A nightmare. The fact that I could be displaying public affections of love to someone who didn’t even love me scared me. Going through a heartbreak is hard, but going through a heartbreak when everyone knows is harder.

I let the waters cool for some time. There could be no way for you to pay attention to me in that way. Why would you? I’m not the most interesting person you have ever me nor the most accomplished one. Despite my pessimistic views on our future, my feelings continued to grow. I could not stop them, they blossomed and blossomed until I could not contain them anymore.

I needed to know if you loved me too. 

Ryan.

I want your love, Ryan. I don’t want to be on the sidelines. I want you to look at me the same way I look at you. 

Your behavior didn’t stop, you continued to ‘send signals’ my way. But as it would turn out, my interpretations and all of those on the internet were wrong. 

The day I finally decided to jump into the void of the unknown, because according to Sara, “I only have this life to live,” I was met with the hard truth.

I planned for a long time where I would take you. I wanted to make a good impression, show you the Shane you had never seen. The Shane that is full of curiosity, hope, and wonder. The Shane that only you managed to make come out. I wanted to show you the wonders of the world, let you know I could be fun. 

After a long day of going to museums and science exhibitions, theme parks, and a nice dinner, it was time to finally ask you that very important question.

As we came to a stop under the night sky, seated in a special location for our fancy dinner, I reached for your hands over the table. You fell silent, looked at me confused. I looked down, my cowardice really felt like sabotaging the night, but I had had enough of being a coward. I looked up, looked you in the eyes, and finally asked. 

“Hey… I want to ask you something important… I know this is unexpected, this is probably not how you expected our night to end, but… I’ve been... feeling things… for you lately.”

As I got closer to asking you, I played with your fingers as my panic rose. I could back out now, I didn’t need to say anything, I didn’t need to actually ask. 

“I’ve realized that… I love you. Like something more than friends.”

I looked down again, my nerves taking control. 

“I’ve been wondering if you feel the same way too…” 

I held your hand, still, I kept my gaze down. Nerves, fear, excitement, all at the same time. The last time I remember feeling like this was when Curiosity was launched. 

You remained silent for a while, and then softly squished my fingers. 

“Oh, Shane… I’m sorry... I don’t like you like that.”

I should have seen it coming, should have never allowed myself to fall for you. It felt like I had ventured into the vacuum of space hoping to float wondrously, but instead, I was met with a free fall into the void; unequipped and vulnerable. 

I guess it’s simply not meant to be. You and I. Not meant to be.

_**Curiosity - Nov. 2011: the discovery of an ancient streambed** _

I live my life defeated, knowing I will never have you, I will never touch you.

But something is better than nothing. 

I could not imagine what my life would be without you. What would I do, what would the purpose of my life be? One thing is certain, I would not be as content as I am today.

Even if I cannot reach you, I am still part of your history and for that I am grateful. 

“ I still love you… you know, like friends, but I still love you. I don’t want this to destroy our friendship… I hope you don’t let it.” 

Of course not, I could never. I would be nothing without you. 

After all, I love you too… but not like you do. 

And that’s okay, at least I got to know what it’s like to have you in my life. 

Sometimes I wonder where I would be today if I had not met you. Would I still be working for NASA, shaping the future for martian exploration? Would I still feel empty at my core?

I don’t know, I will never know. 

What I do now, are the things I wonder now. 

What would it be like if you loved me too?


End file.
